Are you strong enough to be....

So...I'm finally back!  The February Arizona Bar Exam is now behind me, and I can live like a normal twenty-something again. Now I'm back and ready to blog!  I know this blog is supposed to be about my music, but what's music without the inspirations and stories behind it?  So, I feature today one of those reflective musings...ask my family and close friends...I'm really good at these.

When I finished the bar exam last Wednesday, I practically ran out of the building.  In fact, I was so hyped if I didn't have friends waiting, I might've attempted a run - plastic baggie full of #2 pencils and all.  At the same time I had a compelling urge to run, I was also on the verge of tears.  I had no real idea why.  Then I realized what it was. 

Very few people know the full extent of the insanity that has been my journey over the last two years.   You need only know that I could easily fill a full season of an prime-time drama with everything that's happened.  Last summer seemed the climax of my dramatic story.  I abruptly left Tucson, the only place outside the islands I ever truly considered home, to take refuge in the comfort and isolation of Hawai'i.  I left dear friends, co-workers, and even family members stunned and confused by my sudden decision to move.  To be clear, I had my reasons - very good reasons - for my decision.  But, at the heart of those reasons was a lack of the strength I needed desperately. 

Over the summer I left a great deal of unfinished business because of the lacking strength.  I left Tucson even though by my departure, it broke my heart to leave.  I continued to be hurt and affected by people who never earned that power.  I even withdrew from the Illinois Bar Exam.  And worse, I was plagued by the memory of every crazy thing good and bad I had endured over the previous two years.  It was cradled by the Ko'olau and in the comfort of people I now know will accept me no matter what mistakes I've made that I slowly gathered the strength I needed to complete the unfinished business and process my journey.

I realized on Wednesday that I had finally completed one of the last pieces of unfinished business from the two years of craziness - the bar exam.  I was so emotional because I was finally closing the book on a very tumultuous chapter of my life.  I had reclaimed Tucson for myself.  I had learned to have more patience and thicker skin.  Most importantly, I learned to appreciate every experience that made the last two years of my life one hell of a story instead of living with regret or guilt. 

That final lesson was the one that helped get me through the exam.  It was also the one that brought me back to music last fall.  It helped me turn all of my experiences - good, bad, and in between - into something constructive.  Why let an asshole bother me, when I can immortalize his actions in song?  Why get stuck on bad memories, when I could pour the emotion into ballad?  Why simply smile over my progress when I can sing about it?  In fact, I penned one of my newest songs, Extraordinary, about this exact lesson.  I only hope that from this blog and that song others can see that we all have our own journeys.  But, if we remember the obstacles we overcame on those journeys, we can show ourselves that we are strong enough to face so much more.  If we persevered once, why not again?

See, I brought it back to music...eventually.  Until next time, peace.

A Change Will Do You Good

I cracked open a fortune cookie during lunch on New Year's Eve with my family.  I've been keeping the fortune in my wallet, taking it with me everywhere I go.  What was that fortune? 

The coming month shall bring winds of change in your life.

Some of us are superstitious (even to the point of getting a tattoo of angel wings on our left shoulder for good luck....) and others are not.  Regardless of where you stand on the spectrum, there's one thing for certain: this fortune has been frighteningly accurate.

Since that December 31st day, a lot has changed in my life.  More than I even could have predicted at the time.  I returned to Tucson in January after the holidays with some goals and the determination to achieve them.  I had goals to live healthier, get in better shape, and some of the other more common things we all strive for.  I also had a goal to push my music a little more seriously to see where I could take it.  I knew I wasn't going to get a record contract in a month, but I wanted to put my music out there and get more people listening.  In January, I played an open mic (and would've loved to play more of them), I took a bunch of photos in anticipation of promo materials, and I laid down several tracks.  By the end of January, I even put together a four-song EP called The Empty Bedroom Sessions EP, which is available to the masses (just send me a note).

But what was more surprising was the other things that had changed in my life.  In the final days of January I gave notice to the office where I like to say I once came of age.  I started winding up issues from my past that I never thought I'd get to put behind me.  I prepared to get closure finally with some people, places, and relationships I had never had the strength to close the door on. 

As I started February, I knew I'd no longer be working the same job and I'd be delving deeper into hermit-mode as the bar exam loomed more ominously.  However, I also knew I had set life up to be different and hopefully much better.  January brought me a long way.  I'm not sure if the fortune was truly divine or if it was merely a self-fulfilling prophecy...the "okay" I needed to finally get moving on the changes and dreams I wanted to pursue.  I do know that I had come a long way in just thirty-one short days.  And, I do know that I still have a long way to go.  One thing I carry over from the fortune cookie prediction in December though is the excitement of the changes to come.  It's an excitement that pushes me to be stronger, go harder, and be bolder.  I accept the challenge.

Until next time...peace.

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

For those who don't know, I'll be taking the Arizona Bar Exam (yeah, the one to become a full-fledged lawyer) in a month.  I had originally thought about suspending my blog until I had time to make the at least weekly posts I promised myself.  But, I had to do at least one about my experience this weekend.

This weekend, thanks to some very very very good people and dear friends, I got to live my dreams for at least one day.  On Sunday, my photographer (and friend) showed up at my front door armed with her camera and encouragement.  A couple hours, four outfits, and two locations later, we had close to 100 pictures I could use to help promote my music.  If feeling like a model for a couple hours isn't surreal enough, I then spent two hours standing in front of a mic with my guitar plugged into a soundboard laying down track after track until literally my fingers bled.  Two or so hours later with the help of my friends and their son, I had nine tracks put down on a CD.

Recording those tracks moved me the most.  When I strummed the last chord of "Lie to Me" I had to do everything in my power to hold it together.  It's usually an emotional song, but it had so much more significance that day.  It was the song that had started my writing frenzy this past Fall.  And, here I was singing into recording equipment to distribute to anyone willing to listen to me.  When I strummed the last chord of that song on the floor of my empty bedroom, I could only have dreamed it would even see the light of day outside my room.  There I was recording it.  There I was living it.

I still can't comprehend how much Sunday meant to me.  For that day, I felt like the music I made was really something of value - something that deserved the multiple hours of recording.  I felt proud of what I had to offer the world in song.  I felt like confident enough to believe someone might actually want to listen to my songs.  By the end of the day, I was mentally exhausted.  I had concentrated on lyrics, chords, and notes for over two hours.  I had spilled emotion after emotion out in melody to be preserved for the future.  Everything I had thought was only a wild imagination had become a little more tangible that day.  Then, when I ripped the cd onto my mp3 player, it finally started to hit me.  Tears came down as I listened to what I only imagined was my own voice.  I heard a song I once wrote sitting on my empty bedroom floor with even more tears flowing down my face.  Was what I heard really real?  I still don't know.

I got to live my dream for that day with photos and recording.  But, those dreams will be put on hold for a month as I spend more of my days studying.  I feel cheated somehow that I have to study for an exam I don't even want to take instead of focusing on something that brings me far more joy - my music.  Then I remember that I waited 5 years once for a song to come out.  I waited 8 years to have the confidence to take my music seriously.  I waited 25 years to finally convince myself that my dreams will only ever become reality if I make them so.  So...I think I can wait for one month...I hope.

Until next post...peace.

Gimme One Reason

There's rarely just one reason we do anything that consumes our time as much as music consumes mine.  When it comes to writing and performing music there are two big reasons for me.  Funny enough, I write mostly for one reason and perform for the second.  I write music to get emotions out that I may or may not even know are there.  I perform though, in part, for the sake of others.

Why?

Not every song is a gut-wrenching ballad about depression (see "Independence Day") or disappointment and heartbreak (see "I Will Wait).  In fact, some songs I write and perform simply for the fun of them (see "Untouchable").  Many of my songs though deal with specific experiences in my life.  They deal with heartbreak, depression, homesickness, injustice, and anger to name a few.  I don't lead an extraordinary life, which leads me to believe that I'm not the only one who shares these feelings or even experiences.  I've written songs derived from specific major depressive episodes.  I've written about specific relationships and affairs.  I've written songs dealing with issues of native Hawaiians.  I've written because of sexual harassment.  I've written about being disappointed by a certain person in my life.  I know not everyone has had the same heartbreak, loving longing for home, or anger toward being mistreated, but there might be just one person who has.  I perform for that one person.

I might write to cope, but I perform to share with other people.  I live for the moments when I watch someone's reaction to a particular line.  I live for the moments when I know my song told someone that it's okay to feel hopeless or heartbroken.  I live for the strength my moments of weakness can give to other people.  I live for the times when I can see the same disappointment on someone's face that I felt when someone special betrayed me.  I live for these moments because I hope that in the shared experience we can all cope and move forward.  And...it's even better when we can do it with a little bit of fun.

Until next time...peace.

Getting Started

Before I get this blog truly up and running, I wanted to give a little back-story.

My story begins on the windward side of O'ahu where I was born and raised.  Even from a young age, music was an essential ingredient in my life.  Our family would sing loudly while we listened to music in the car.  If someone was in the shower, you knew you'd get a private concert.  I grew up around live Hawaiian music since my dad danced hula.  I even tried my hand at writing a song when I was a child - "Erase the Hate" was the title, but I've thankfully forgotten the lyrics.

I didn't get my hands on a guitar until my last summer of high school.  I picked up the guitar to strum and sing along to my favorite artists.  I started writing my own songs though almost as quickly as I picked up the first few basic chords.  By the time I graduated I had written a handful of songs, one of which I still play today.

I moved to Chicago in August of 2002 for undergrad.  I moved into the dorms with my guitar and continued playing, singing, and writing music - sometimes with the company of my floormates during jam sessions.  I even fell in love my first summer with the guitar I still play today.  However, my time in Chicago did not lead to the boon of musical opportunities I had imagined.   I stopped playing music regularly in my second year of college.  I had hit a major wall and couldn't write a song I liked no matter how hard I tried.  So, I put away my guitar, forgot almost every song I had written, and generally forgot about making music.

Life truly moved and changed during the five years I spent away from music.  I graduated from college.  I moved across the country with my then-partner to attend law school.  I lost 80 pounds.  I started doing distance running and cycling events.  It wasn't until my life got chaotic that I sought the company of my guitar.  After a harsh break-up and difficulty dealing with the identity crisis that follows a dramatic weight-loss, I finally re-opened my guitar case and started playing again.  Playing, but not writing.

It was again crisis that brought me back to making music.  In the summer of 2009, I moved away from Tucson hoping to alleviate personal crises and depression.  I spent three months in Hawai'i before I was strong enough to return to Tucson and reclaim my life.  One of the first items I insisted on pulling out of storage, for some unexplained reason, was my guitar.  I started playing and singing the first week or so, but still not writing.

And then, it came to me.  I had played a chord progression over and over again until finally something clicked.  I strummed, hummed, wrote, re-wrote, until finally "Lie to Me" was done fewer than 24 hours after I had begun writing it.  Over the following couple weeks song after song came out of me.  I worked on them over the fall and winter, and when 2010 began, I had 10 new songs fully or almost completed. 

I thought seriously about pursuing music as 2010 approached.  I had grown much stronger just over the few months I had returned to Tucson.  My confidence built.  My friends encouraged me.  So...I made the resolution to start making music more seriously.  After my first open mic at Sky Bar, I fell in love again with performing and sharing my music, and my resolve strengthened.

Here I am now.  I'm ready to get out there and start sharing my music.  I do it because I love it.  I do it because I hope people can hear my music and know they're not alone in their experiences.  I do it for my own release.  I do it because it's fun.

So...here I go.